Life....

8TH JANUARY,2009..
Life is not about always being perfect with a happy ending.Sometimes it is just about living without expectations.We can just hope to get somethings in life but we can never be sure that we will surely get it.Life for me was never simple.it was always full of questions that remain unanswered till now.there are many things i feel inside myself but i find no answers.often late at nite i stay awake staring at the ceilings trying hard to find those answers and communicate with the almighty but it seems that even he is asleep and testing his child.
When i was born many people were dejected because i was a girl child and a bit unwelcome to this male dominated world.when i tried to make my own space people tried to supress me and my emotions along with it.to some degree they succeeded to supress me.i was a lonely child a person craving for love and affection.a person who hated crowded places and violence.a total insignificant being in this huge world.i sometimes feel connected with god but the next second i felt if there was really god then why would i be suffering so much.as a child i used to hunt in the darkness for answers and the darkness gave me only blankness.there was no solution to a childs questions.i wanted to feel free like the birds stretch out my wings and fly.
but somewhere i was crippled afraid to terst the unknown .as a schoolgoer also i was very reluctant to mis with the other classmates.i was comfrtable only in my known zone.i was a child who loved to read story books and spend idle hours seeing the clouds in the sky and counting stars.i lacked a comapanion somebody to share my thoughts and emotions.as days went past and i became older i realized new things about life.
we do not always get what we want from life.we can juts hope to get the things we wish for.my wishlist never ended but somewhere nobody except me knew about it.when i returned from school i turned the musioc on loud so that the silence on the house will not engulf me and make me realize i was alone.i hated the silence.i wanted to scream and talk but then i had no body to listen to me.facing life was achallenge everyday in itself.there were things i had to keep on proving all throughout my life.life dosent give anybody a sec oppurtunity at anything and i learnt that the harder way.
everyday i struggled for existence in my own space.i wasnt sure if i would survive the strugle.if i would be able to spread my wings and fly.one day it did happen and i started writing and pouring out my feelings emotions and anger for this world.and its miseries.i spoke up for myself.i craved for love but around me i saw only flesh trade of a womans soul.no body was interested in the woman or to understand her miseries.my brain screamed at me.i was a fool to believe that relations were only based on true feelins.i was alone lonely and cold.
i was going numb by days and growing a shell around me .a barrier that would not let any outsider enter my domains.i tried to connect but the only person i could always connect to was my mother.i realized my dependence and my need for her.she scolded me but was a huge pillar of strength for me.as i grew older i created my own defensive mechanisms to protect myself.i had a huge self respect and i didnt want to loose it.thr were times when i liked a person merely by looks.but those passing infatuations were trickery of the brains at a very early stage of life and they hardly lasted for a few minutes.
after 21 years and 6months now i can surely say life isint always negative.there are times when u get the best out of life and u surely enjoy being a part and parcel of it.now i dnt see life as a misery.rather i see life as a challenge.a package of self discovery,hope,building new relations and basking in the glow of love.........and loving the two people who mean the world to me.my mom and my fiancee...love u loads!!
Debolina gupta(8th january....2009)